Sunday, March 14, 2010

Starting Over

Well, I haven't been on for a while....and as I am sure you may notice...most of my posts are gone. I left my introduction, though alot of what's in that is no longer true. I am at a point in my life where I am starting over. I am single for the first time in about 10 years, and I have finally realized that I dont need a man to define me...I will define myself! I have finally realized what I want and dont want when it comes to love, and have decided that I will never settle for anything less than I deserve. I dont want to have to fit into someone elses life...or be the least important part of their life. There is a man out there that will love me just as much as I love him...we will get married and have a family and I will finally have my fairytale! Regardless of what I have been through to get to this point in my life, I still have hope in my heart! I hope to get on here more often now that I have more time for me!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

This is me

Well, since I am new to this, I figured I would use my first blog to tell everyone a little bit about myself....I grew up in Columbia, Missouri...I was the youngest of three Dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and while I was very young and don't remember much, I know he did things that he is not proud of. When I was 5, my mom gave him the option to go to rehab or go to jail...he chose rehab....he has been sober now for 18 years...I won't go into detail, but my parents got divorced when I was 6, when my dad met another woman....she brought a whole new family into my life...her family became a part of my three step brothers and my step sister...I honestly can't remember how old I was when my dad got re-married, I just remember that I was SO angry with him...I stopped being angry with my dad the day my mom told me that we were moving to Virginia....I thought that my life was over....I was eleven and my entire world was in Missouri....not too long before we were supposed to move, I was spending the weekend with my was cold and raining dad pulled me into a room by myself...he sat me down and told me that Bandit had died...we got bandit on my first birthday, and he was my best friend....I was heartbroken (I am honestly crying now just thinking about it)...and it was the first time that I had seen my dad cry...we buried bandit together, just the two of the rain....the second time I saw my dad cry was the night before we were leaving to move to was late, and we were sitting outside while everyone else was packing my life away....he told me that I could always come home.....the first few months in Virginia were awful....we lived with my grandparents until my mom was able to find a house....I was miserable....but even after we moved things didn't get much better...we moved from the city in Missouri to a very rural part of Virginia....I was used to being 5 minutes away from everything, and we now had to drive 30 just to get to walmart...I eventually made friends, a few who are still the most important people in my life....I had boyfriends....I drank....but I was generally a good kid...I got straight A's and never did drugs...alot of the people around me did drugs....but that just wasn't me...I had something really awful happen to me when I was 14...something that again, I won't go into detail about....when I was 15 I started dating this that time in my life I would have never imagined that our story would have ended up the way it did....we went to our Sophmore homecoming together...I was his number one fan on the football field....I was, in my fifteen year old brain, in love...I shared my 16th birthday with him....he even went back to missouri with me....though his introduction to my family didnt go over very well....I knew my dad didn't like him....but at that time in my life I didn't care....we went to our Junior homecoming together....then junior prom....we started our senior year together....we went to our senior homecoming together....and of course senior prom....I don't know how the arguement started that night, but it didn't end well....that night started to change things between us....we graduated together....I moved in with him....I honestly don't know why...I worked all the time....and I was still going to school....he was partying and blowing all his money....he bought me a diamond to show his ownership over me, so everyone would know that I was didn't matter if people didn't know that he was taken....things just got worse between us....eventually things got abusive....physically and got to the point where I was thrilled when he would stay out all night...I didn't know what he was doing and I honestly didn't care....I knew he cheated but he would never admit it, what I didn't know was all the other things that were going on behind my all came to a head one night when he told me he thought he wanted a I started to pack....well, he didn't like that and decided he didnt want me to go anywhere...that was when I started taking anti-depressants....and something inside me changed....a couple weeks later, he told me that he had been cheating on me....that was all that it took for me to walk away and never look back....which would have been alot easier if we didn't live in such a small town....when we broke up he decided to tell me that he had been doing drugs for the last 2 years of our disgusted that point I was done with all his abuse and all his drama and just ready to be away from him...after almost 7 years I was more than ready to move I did...I moved back home with my mom for a little while, though that didn't last long...I love my mother with all my heart, but we can't live together :) I went out with my best friend for her anniversary one night and ended up running into an old friend....we hung out that night....stayed up all night talking....and I was hooked....I moved in with him in an apartment at his grandparents like 2 weeks later....I know I moved fast, but I haven't regretted it for a second....after we had been together for about a year he started talking about how he wanted to go into law brother in law started with the local Sheriff's office about a month before me and J started dating...and I think hanging out with him had alot to do with bringing the subject up....I was completely supportive and told him I believed he could do anything he put his heart he went for it....and he got the life with a Law Enforcement officer is never is a stressful, crazy, sometimes lonely, keep you on your toes kind of life....I thank God for the girls on they are my biggest support group and I have no idea what I would do without one understands the life we live unless they are living it themselves...we moved out on our own about a year ago, and are getting ready to make a 2nd move into a has a fenced in backyard for our 2 babies...Maggie and Louie...Louie is our 3 year old lab....we got him right after the St Louis Cardinals won the world series....and Maggie is our new baby....she is a treewalking coonhound....she is a handful but we love her :)
Well, I guess that's the basic outline of my life...I am sure the will be more to come....I love to write and I tend to be incredibly opinionated :)